Great sex after 50: Fine tuning desire

By Dr. Jessica O’Reilly and Marla Renee Stewart, MA

Talking about sexual frequency

One of the most important conversations you will have with regard to sex pertains to sexual frequency. Understanding your partner’s preferences with regard to frequency will help you gauge how and when to seduce them.

And though quality is likely more important than quantity, sexual frequency and discrepancies in desire are significant and common sources of friction in relationships, so we want you to talk about it—even if it’s not an issue at this time.

You cannot expect your desire for sex to perfectly align with your partner’s over the course of many years or a lifetime. That would be like asking them to want the same foods in the same quantity at the same time every day for the rest of your lives. It is not realistic.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Part I: The Frequency Exercise

Talk about sexual frequency—in hard numbers. Even though your desire for sex fluctuates, it is essential to be specific about how often you would like to have sex. Do you want it once a day, once a week, or once a quarter? Oftentimes, we think we know how often our partner wants it, but we are not accurate at estimating their needs.

If you want sex less often than your partner, it is likely that you overestimate how often they want it, because it feels like they’re always asking for it.

If you want sex more often than your partner does,
it is likely that you underestimate how often they want it, because it feels as though they’re never interested or always saying no.

By formalizing the conversation, you will improve understanding and be better equipped to find common ground and meet one another’s needs.

Get started now:
Write down how often you want to have sex on a piece of paper. Do you want it once per week, once per hour, or once per fiscal year? Be honest. You are allowed to want it every day, and you are also allowed to not want sex at all. Draw a line below your number.

Below the line, write down how often you believe your partner wants to have sex. Do you think they want it once per day, once per month, or once with every meal?

Share your papers, have a laugh, and then have a discussion about how you can find some middle ground.

You might be on the same page as your partner, and you might feel as though you’re still a world apart— either experience is okay. You can cultivate compatibility if you are both willing to put in the effort.

Part II: Lovers’ Inquiry

Sexual Accelerants and Impediments To better understand your own needs with regard to sexual frequency and your partner’s, make a list of things that increase your desire for sex (accelerants) as well as a list of things that decrease your desire for sex (impediments). Consider experiences, interactions, feelings, and behaviors—both internal (related to yourself), external (related to life in general), and relational (related to your partner).

For example, perhaps you are more interested in sex when you exercise, dance, cook at home, get a good night’s rest, spend time alone, read a book, listen to a specific song, finish the laundry, wake up early, stay up late, stand up for yourself, or enjoy a glass of tea. Or perhaps you find you want sex more frequently when you kiss, cuddle, read together, share a bath, laugh, take a break from chores, fantasize, eat candy, or decorate your room with flowers from the garden. These are some of your sexual seduction accelerants.

On the flip side, you might find that your interest in sex decreases when you watch the news, scroll on social media, play with your kids, talk to your roommate, eat a heavy meal, or work late. You might also lose interest when your partner works late, you eat dinner separately, or you talk about money. These are examples of your sexual seduction impediments.

These are just a few examples. The possibilities are endless and no two people will share the same lists. Discuss your list with your partner, and become familiar with theirs to help you better understand how to meet one another’s needs. Ask questions for clarification, look for overlaps, and devise strategies to find common ground. The Frequency Exercise and the Sexual Accelerants and Impediments inquiry are designed to help you start the conversation that will make space for finding common ground. You may also want to consider:

Alternative activities in which to engage when one partner is in the mood and the other is not (e.g., toys, self-pleasure, other forms of intimate connection, lending a hand, exploring ways to get in the mood).

Lifestyle changes to adjust your desire for sex (e.g., exercise, mindfulness, meditation, positive self-talk, fantasizing, masturbation) if you want to want more sex. Strategies and support your partner can offer to encourage interest in sex (e.g.,share workload, increase affection, spend quality time, eroticize daily interactions, improve sexual technique and seduction).
Specific ways to indicate to one another that you’re (not) in the mood so that you remain connected even when you’re not having frequent sex—however you define it.

Remember that frequency only matters as much as you feel it matters. You do not need to have more or less sex unless you and/or your partner want to have more or less sex. You can have sex once a day and be satisfied, and you can have sex once a year (or not at all) and be fulfilled. It is a matter of determining how often you want it and finding a balance between your desired frequency and your partner’s.

Your levels of desire for sex will fluctuate with time, so even if you are aligned today, you will want to repeat this exercise at regular intervals. Of course, you’ll be better off if you focus on the quality of your sexual relationship as opposed to the frequency with which you have sex; however, because sexual and relational satisfaction are tied to sexual frequency, the better you understand your partner’s expectations, the better lover you will be when it comes to seduction, foreplay, and all types of sex.

THE AUTHOR

Dr. Jessica O’Reilly is a teacher, author and sex educator whose doctoral research focussed on brief interventions designed to improve teachers’ knowledge and comfort level with sexual health education. Her practical relationship advice reaches millions each month and she travels extensively across the globe to work with couples to transform their relationships. You can find her online here.